Just a bit of humor....

[Mack The Knife]

Just thought i would start this thread and see if we can get some damn good jokes in here.
Try to keep it to what really makes you laugh and see how good we can make this!

So here is my first offering.....



It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had
a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred
in. 'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink?
Lemonade? Iced tea?'

'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.

'Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at
the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach...'

'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him.

'Really?' Fred replied; eyebrows rose.

'Oh yes,' the mother continued. 'When she goes out with her
friends, that's all they do!'

'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous. 'Yes,' said the mother.
'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about
alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as
a picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied
back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into
the house and slammed the front door behind her.

'The Twist, Mom!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.
'The fucking dance is called the Twist!

[Bonehead9]

Three old guys are sitting in the park on a beautiful fall day. The 1st old guy says to the other two," Ya know, I hate getting old. It use to be that at 7AM every morning I would piss like a racehorse. Now I just tinkle."

The 2nd old guy nods his head and says," I know exactly what you mean. It use to be that at 8AM every morning I would shit like a mule. Now I just squirt."

The 3rd old guy just sits quietly and shakes his head until the other two finally ask him, "What about you?"

The 3rd old guy sighs and finally says,"Well, at 7AM I piss like a racehorse. At 8AM I shit like a mule."

The other two old guys are astonished. "WOW, that's great!! So why are you sad?"

The 3rd old guy shakes his head again and sighs and says," I don't wake up till 9."