Funny story!!!

[SKULL]

Now THIS is FUNNY!!!!!!

>
> Read at your own risk! I almost wet my pants, I laughed so hard!
>
> I went grocery shopping recently while not being
> altogether sure that course of action was a wise one.
>
> You see, the previous evening I had prepared and
> consumed a massive quantity of my patented
> 'You're definitely going to shit yourself' chili. Tasty
> stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which
> comes with a written guarantee from me that if you
> eat, the next day both of your ass cheeks WILL fall off.
>
> Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even
> after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing
> happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers
> swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable
> to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door
> neighbors as thunder and lightning.
> Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not
> sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a
> local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search
> of tasty tidbits.
>
> Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal.
> I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping
> items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of
> the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
> Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm
> referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that
> always seems to hit us at the wrong time.
>
> The thing is, this pain was different.
> The habaneras in the chili from the night before were
> staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied
> their way through the small intestines, forcing their way
> into the large intestines, and before I could take one step
> in the direction of the restrooms which would bring
> sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning
> shot.
>
> There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle,
> suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never
> before been recorded. I was afraid to move
> for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
> Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave
> the lower part of my body, and I began to move up
> the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned
> into it.
>
> I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see
> what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium
> that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it
> unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions
> emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm
> sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
>
> I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she
> walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor
> so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and
> running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head
> as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me
> feel terrible, but then made me laugh.
>
> Mistake.
> Here's the thing.. When you laugh, it's hard to keep
> things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With
> each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from
> my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing
> that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had
> ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a
> shotgun.
>
> Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming,
> and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down
> a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make
> it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
>
> Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to
> the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating
> above the toilet seat because my [PoorWordUsage] is burning SO
> BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in
> the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and
> Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly
> said, 'Sonofa b - - - - !', then quickly left.
>
> Once finished, I left the restroom, reacquired my
> partially filled cart intending to carry on with my
> shopping when a store employee approached me and
> said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few
> minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink
> bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the
> vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to
> take care of the problem.'
>
> That of course set me off again, causing residual gases
> to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped
> back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing
> at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!',
> then ran off returning moments later with the manager.
> I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises
> and asked none too kindly not to return.
> Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing
> To eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.
>
> The next day I went to shop at K-Mart. I can't say anymore about that
> because we are in court over the whole matter.
>
>
Claim they're going to have to repaint the whole damn store.

[LouEvo XL]

That is pretty damn funny for bathroom humor....